Powerful thoughts

Many readers wrote to me after I posted about the stress of the past five years. Thank you for the love, concern and favourite prayers that were shared. It was very meaningful and I truly appreciated it. I have tried to write to each person who sent me an email directly. If I have missed anyone - please accept my apologies. In my defense I was ill with a stomach bug and had been for a few days now and so am a bit tired and a little thick between the ears, as my Dad would say. (Slow...)

One reader in particular shared some very powerful thoughts that are deep and quite meaningful, especially when one's goal is to become a Saint. A goal I sometimes misplace, to my shame. Here are his thoughts...

"I wish there were words to say that all will be all right with houses and jobs ... but I don't think this is what God cheered Julian of Norwhich with, in her illness, "all will be well... " is to lean on God in pain, in poverty, in all need, for the joy and inward love to keep plowing a field of stone. I think if we plow that field of stone expecting a harvest that will sustain us, saying I am suffering for thee Lord, so reward me... then we face harder times ... but when we thank God for the stones, we begin to find the small green between them, find what enough is ... and there is hope for untold bounty.

...... But, I also know many find joy in less. I am reminded that the elder rabbi's in Auchwitzs put God on trial literally for breaking the covenant, watching their families murdered - and in the end said, To us it seems God is guilty, the covenant was broken ... and then, they prayed and thanked God. There is where faith is found, to say, I hurt, it is unfair, what next? and by the way, dearly and deeply from the bottom of my soul, thank thee Lord for all I have grant me strength in thee if not understanding of thy ways."

Thank you Lor.
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Sorry - it wasn't in the wedding contract!

(While trying on her Charlie Chaplin costume)

"Mummy could you tie this tie for me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to tie a tie."

"What? How can you be a WIFE and not know how to tie a tie..."

Ooops, I must have missed that lesson when preparing for married life! Read more!

Sam! What are you doing there?

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

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HELP!

On Friday, I was finally able to complete and post a good schedule for us to follow for school. It looked realistic, covered all the subjects and remembered we need to eat as well as study. It was bright and colourful with large enough print that we can see it from across the room. It is even unusual in that it is made of index cards taped together.

But it does not have any spots on it scheduled for:
Blowing nose(s)
Running to the bathroom repeatedly times several children
Stopping to take mega doses of Vitamin C
Looking for the Zicam
Looking for Tylenol for acking backs and necks
blowing noses again...
console grumpy, crying toddlers and preschoolers who are just too ill to be nice to anyone

It is only 8:27 and the schedule is already shot so I think I will just... go back to bed and start over?

In the meantime, please keep mum2twelve's gang in your prayers while we do battle with a host of germs and viruses that have invaded the household, overnight it seems! Read more!

Could I say No to God's face?

Hearing God's directive Moses replied:

"O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." (Exodus 4:10-13)

When we hit that passage in bible study on Sunday morning, I thought to myself, "Wow, imagine seeing God FACE to FACE?! Hearing his voice as clear as one of my children calling to me, or my husband chatting with me. Could I say 'NO, I can't Lord.' to HIS FACE?"

I wondered if I could possibly doubt my ability to do what He was asking me, while standing on Holy Ground seeing Him, GOD, in front of me? Wouldn't I, if God was speaking to me directly assume He would give me all I needed, to do what he wanted of me.

Then I thought about how I daily tell Him.... NO.

Each and everytime I complain about my crosses, I am saying;
" No God, I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can complete this errand you are giving me. I don't want this job - please give it to someone else. "

I think instead of sighing and saying I can't do this anymore Lord, I will try to just ask for help.

"Help me o' Lord. My cross is becoming heavy and I am afraid I will drop it. I feel as though I am falling. Send me the graces not to fall, to not drop my cross! Thank you for hearing me Jesus, thank you for helping. I know you are there Lord because you promised me you would be!"

'Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mathew 11:29-30

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While out shopping...

...buying our two tons of weekly groceries Anna, who was observing the various little children we passed by suddenly said with a chuckle; "You know the more we are out and the more we see children, the more we see how normal Emma actually is!"

And, I realized she's right. My chortling, high energy, very imaginative, somewhat bossy four year old is actually a normal preschooler, and yet she is still very much her own little person - my special Emma Wewe!

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Too much imagination

Gabriela: "Emma you need to get some shoes on, you KNOW you need shoes on outside!"

Emma; "But Lala, I has pwetend shoes on!" Read more!

My Lord and My God

My Lord and My God;
I know that you are here,
that you see me, that you hear me.
I adore you with profound reverence.
I beg your pardon for my sins
and the graces to make this time of
(prayer) (work) (study) fruitful.
Mary, my immaculate mother,
Saint Josef, my father and Lord,

My Guardian Angel,

Intercede for me

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Questions...

I have often seen a list of questions posted on this blog or that sometimes with other bloggers tagged and sometimes not. (I have never been tagged and so I am trying to feel superior about that and hence will not tag anyone else either, so that ALL my readers may feel superior right along with me.)

I found these questions on a reader's blog. Teri left a comment on my post about Booh Bah and guess what? All the way across the world in Libya, young minds are being influenced by BOOH BAH! It's a small world after all.

Teri, I have learned through exchanging a few emails, is also the mum of a large family and an ESL teacher. Some day I should share some of my incredible experiences teaching English to Migrant Farmers - out in the fields.


Okay - the Questions.
Here they are, with my answers.

I am thinking about... how to answer these questions...

I said... I feel ill - can I have some pepermint gum please?

I want.. to read more than I do, study more than I have time to, play with my cmaera more than I can... there is lots I want, but mostly I need to learn to be happy with what I have!

I wish... I didn't feel so sick so I could do something besides sit and say "I feel sick..." and then run to the bathroom.

I miss... having a newborn in the house. (And no, I am not pregnant! LOL)

I hear... Blues Clues and am remembering how watching this helped Noah learn to talk. His first word/expression was Boo coos! Now he is 11 and talks all the time! LOL

I wonder... if the new routine we are planning will work for our family. We are trying very hard to make some important changes, esp in our prayer life.

I regret... shouting at Emma this morning, who was only being honest and was very confused by my annoyance and anger with her. Sometimes honesty does NOT pay!

I dance... with my children.

I cry... when I remember my childhood and when I feel alone and can not reach God.

I am not always... doing what I know I SHOULD be doing.

I write... and I LOVE it!

I need... peace! In order to gain this peace I need to learn to Trust God more than I do. This is a very hard lesson to learn.

I finish... the day usually wondering how I could have done better and always very tired.

Have fun with the questions! I hope some of you share your answers. BTW - I lied - I AM going to tag someone. Oh dear, should I? Will others feel left ou... err, superior when they are not tagged?

Oh well - here goes.
Chealsea, Dorry, M.Alexander, Diane and Jen. YOU are ALL tagged. Sorry guys, just thought it is better to only tag women! But please everyybody - tag along too if you wish - the more the merrier! Read more!

A word to the wise...

It is better NOT to allow curious kittens to peek in toilet bowls while you flush one since you may find yourself having to rescue said kitten from swirling, flushing water. At least that is what I have been told today while someone was drying off the hind legs of a small yellow kitten whom I often hear playing on the back of the toilet. Read more!

Oh no!

Mum2twelve has more competition for the key board. Velcro baby, my nickname for nursing babies, has been introduced to BoohBah! So no longer is she content to sit on my lap and chuckle as she hits buttons causing whole paragraphs to dissapear. No, now she climbs up on my lap, fights for the mouse and screams BOOHBAH mummy! Boohbah! Until someone, usually me, gives in.

Then we listen to 'air blowing' sounds, whistle noises and, I have to admit, to some fun music while these amazing blobs that only a baby could find fascinating, dance around on the screen. There are games to play and it all entertains young minds for a looong time. Much longer than it entertain, uh, mature minds.

Not having cable I can not vouch for the tv programme, assuming there is one. At any rate, boohbah is the 2006 answer to Tellie Tubbies!

Now my question is - are the adults that come up with these shows genius or simply infantile?

At any rate - if you notice a little less posting from mum2twelve - you can assume Boohbah is the culprit and that Elsa, and her little buds, are dancing on my lap erasing words faster than I can type. Read more!

Confession 101

Well - I hear that Sister Pat is in a bit of a pickle. Fall and her order of her book Confession 101 have arrived together. So now her garage is full of ....books when it should be full of summer furniture.

If you would like to give her a hand with emptying her garage just click here and you will be directed to a website where you can place an order for this book. I have already ordered two and can't wait for them to get here. I am especially impatient to see the work book that comes with the book.

If you would like to know more about Sister's Monastary than take a trip here! Read more!

It was quiet this afternoon...

... while I was working this afternoon researching for a new course we are putting together. History through the Arts. The girls and I are quite excited about this project and have already learned a lot of facts about different authors of the Classics that we did not know. For instance, did you know that Louisa May Alcotts early death was the result of poor health brought on by mercury poisoning? This was caused by the, then popular, method of treatment for typhoid fever; which she caught while working as a nurse during the civil war. She was only 56 and died 2 days after her father, leaving behind her young niece whom she had been raising. I have yet to discover what came of Lulu, her name sake.

While I searched the internet and scribbled down these very interesting facts, I did wonder what had become of my two boys, Teddy and Noah. I discovered later in the afternoon when Anna asked me to explore the house she had built out of mud in the back yard just what they had been about. Read more!

Please step back in time with me...

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Anna's house...

...of clay will appear later as the photos I took were a dismal failure.

While I was typing, googling and scribbling little known facts about authors and Anna was digging in the ground and the boys creating battles galore, little ones were building train tracks and blissfully fighting over each track - Gabriela was cooking up a storm in the kitchen. She provided some very nourishing, not to mention delicious, tucker for supper tonight.

Using mostly the left overs, she made the following recipee along with two batches of Rich Tea Biscuits, from Company's Coming; Muffins and More.

For the fun of it, I have left the soup recipe with the amounts we require in order to have enough for our family.

Bacon and Potatoe Soup

INGREDIENTS

• 25 thick slices bacon (Note: to keep costs down, we omit the bacon.)
• 2 tablespoons and 1/4 teaspoon olive oil
• 2 cups and 1 tablespoon chopped onion
• 2 cups and 1 tablespoon chopped carrots
• 4-1/4 stalks celery, chopped
• 16-2/3 cups low fat, low sodium chicken broth
• 16-2/3 cups cubed potatoes
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 2 cups and 1 tablespoon shredded Cheddar cheese
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt

DIRECTIONS

1. Cook bacon until crisp in 3-quart saucepan, remove and drain well on paper towels. Discard bacon grease and wipe pan thoroughly with paper towel.
2. Meanwhile, prepare vegetables. Add olive oil to saucepan and add onion, carrot, and celery as they are cut up. Saute until onion is soft but not brown, about 3-4 minutes.
3. Stir in chicken broth, potatoes, and pepper; bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer, covered, until potatoes are tender, about 10-15 minutes.
4. Stir in cheese, heating just until melted--do not boil. Chop bacon and add to soup. Adjust seasoning to taste by adding salt, if desired. Serve at once.

(Note: to keep costs down, we omit the bacon. Also should you wish to make this soup adjusted to your family size click here. ) Read more!

Thank you for the prayers...

...that were extended to our family over the past few days. They have blessed us and supported us.

As to what we are struggling with? I am at a loss as how to explain. I, who love to write, who loves to use words to create and share thoughts, draw pictures with and entertain with words am at a loss how to explain in as few as words as possible where we are at and what is at the heart of our struggle.

It is not as some have supposed, a dream house gone wrong, or a weight loss plan not working or acclimatizing to the stresses of having moved to a new town, although these are all things that can cause a person a fair amount of angst.

It is more in line with the fire that completly destroyed the home of the family who had no insurance, that Annonomous wrote about.

In the past five years we have:

Lost a job and it's 120,000 annual salary and benifits.
Lost two babies within the same year , each (Thankfully) in the first trimester. I do not know if I could have coped with losing a baby I had actually felt move!
Dealt with serious illnesses (Lyme Disease, serious back injuries, asthma and its complications) and continue to deal with illness, on varying levels.
Helped a daughter escape a an abusive spouse, and on Christmas eve in 2003 placed her on a plane to NYC so she could hide with friends there.
Lost our home.
Lost our family van.
Moved
Given birth to our 12th blessing for which we are most grateful for!
Moved again.

Through all of this we have been trying to build a business so as to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. In my husband's industry, he was amongst the last to be laid off in our part of the State. And he was a manager. In his 20 years of experience - he knew that managers have never been hired from outside - only promoted from within. It's a morale issue. Unless he could find a small start up company seeking an IT project manager despite what was the worst time economically for his industry - he knew he had not a hope of gaining employment. Still he sent out resumes, joined church support groups, attempted to network and had resumes "walked" into Human Resource departments where he knew there was a rare job opening. Not one was acknowledged.

All the while he continued to also build, with no capital besides his severance and eventually what money we made, his online business. A few friends have lent personal time to assist us in whatever manner they could. For this, we have been incredibly grateful.

At our worst, most stressful moment while dealing with the forclosure on our home, we were literally persecuted by people we thought were friends who were Catholic and members of our parish. When our priest was approached by another family, dismayed at what was happening, his advice was to suggest we move to a different parish as 'the rich in his parish felt morally threatened by our being able to fill a pew on Sundays with all of our children while they filled the parking lot with their Mercedes and Cadilacs.'

And so we moved. To protect our children.

...and then we moved again. To an area that is physically safer for our children, more affordable to live in (1500 for a 3 bedroom home vs 600 for a 5 bedroom home). We prayed before moving, sought direction from the wonderful priest who was spiritually adminstering to our family about the move. He approved it.

We were convinced we were doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

We have sought to understand the burden Christ has given us. He has promised He would share the yoke. We continue to try and Hear Him in our despair. We are tired. Oh, so very tired, spiritually and physically and emotionally. We are trying to pray as a family, despite what feels like real attacks from the devil.

It has been five long years of continuously straining to pay the mortgage, and then eventually the rent on time. Often we are only able to pay the car insurance only hours before the deadline of it's being canceled. At least once these past five years we have had the utilities cut. It always a case of borrowing from Paul to pay Mary and then from Mary to pay Paul. For five long years. There is always the stress of worrying that we will be evicted, often receiving such a note in the mail. After a desperate novena the money will appear and we will be able to stave it off for another month.

We had grown lukewarm in our faith the last years before my husband's lay off. Mind I had always felt gratitude for his job, and owed it to God's blessing on us as well, as Hugo's abilities. While others were being laid off for the last four years of his employment, he was not. So as we struggled over the past five years - we re-learned the value of prayer. The value of having God the center of your life. God is a jelaous God and will not have any other God before Him. We got the message loud and clear.

But now we are completly worn out and as we sit here, over a month late with every single bill not knowing how we will pay for the rent, nor how we will buy more merchandise, I keep asking God - what is the lesson? What are you trying to tell us? What am I/we not getting?

My husband struggles as well, and I do not feel free to share his personal struggles but his questions have begun to impact on my faith.

I always felt certain God Loved me. I always believed He would provide. But after month after month of watching things go wrong and we struggle so hard to keep the business going while we pray for guidance. Again and again, we seem to just catch a break and think - this is it, we will finally be self sufficent, only to slide back further than the three steps we had just gained. "Show us, Oh Lord your Will. If this is not what you wish us to do - show us the way..."

It seems these prayers are met with silence. Or we are too stupid to hear Him, or too stubborn??

This constant struggle has begun to leave mne with more questions than answers, with less strength rather than more and with a shaken faith, that was once very strong.

As you have seen from my normal postings, we try to be positive. We take great joy from the twelve blessings God has bestowed on us. We try to foster a sense of gratitude in ourselves, no matter how difficult it gets but it has become harder the past year to do so, because we are tired. Tired, tired, tired.

"Please God, help us to Hear you. Guide us in the direction you wish us to go. Have mercy on us and send Your blessings upon us. Give us the strength to get through one more day, and one more day and then one day more again. Help us to count our Blessings, and to trust though we can not see nor understand the Why of our life right now."

Thank you, all of you, for your prayers and I humbly ask you to continue as I can only attribute our current sanity to your prayers. THANK YOU!

And now you have a bit of an idea of the spiritual struggle that we are going through. And so now I will go back to my fun, sometimes amusing and hopefully once in a while insightful postings. I prefer sharing that side of being a large Catholic family. Read more!

thought for the day...

Heard in passing:

"You know Daddy - if a lizard had a blanket - it wouldn't be any warmer." Read more!

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Today...

I will be doing some baking - a little of it with all of my "little" help. Some, hopefully, by myself! I will be doing some writing as I try to pull together some thoughts I have put to paper over the past months during these very difficult times. I will be pursuing a business idea that smacked me in the face this morning when I got up at 6 am to help my two teens and adult son get ready to leave for the Eucharistic Congress that they will attend today.

Through it all I will have EWTN playing in the back ground, something I have been doing a lot of lately. I have found a great deal of comfort listening to various talk shows and interviews on EWTN. All positive, a great contrast to today's news shows. Also a great contrast to the turmoil in my heart. I try, when I find my thoughts dragging me down, to replace them with more positive thoughts by what ever means possible. While I can not sit all say and soal up all the wonderful thoughts, ideas and spiritual vistories shared on EWTN, I can let them wash over me as I work through the day and seep in and slowly work their way into my conciousness, giving me the strength and tools to deal with the spiritual battle I am engaged in.

Later today, if I think that I have managed to successfully pulled together my writings of the past month in a way that is edifying of my struggle, but without coming across as a pity party, I will post those thoughts. My purpose to sharing these thoughts would be to seek encouragement and even insight from others and at the same time also sharing what it is like to grow in the way of the Lord, while still struggling to meet the needs of others. Many others.

Thank you for your prayers. I do not know what I would have done without them yesterday when we were hit with yet one more blow, just one of many that have hit us since we moved. I really shudder to think what I would have done without your prayers and support. Thank you for your emails and thoughts. I will get back to each of you throughout the day.

Thank you!

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