Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I have received much comfort, strength and graces from this prayer. I have pulled it out again. I am worried that perhaps my post from yesterday (the 26th) seemed negative. That was not my intention. I meant only to share how sometimes, despite all that God has done for me I still struggle and I get frustrated with myself for being so like Elsa at the pool side - unable to just let go and trust. I also get frustrated with God.

I get frustrated with God because Hugo and I have been struggling for four years to understand and know His will for us. Some would say with the difficulties we have encountered with the business that perhaps God is speaking to us through the continued struggles we face with this business. Yet, we have asked God repeatedly that if this is not His will for us to please guide us in the right direction. Inspire us with an idea, open a door. Send us a sign we cannot possibly fail to see and understand.

I do not know if it is spiritual ignorance on our part that we have not been able to hear God or if it is that, for now, God is silent. I do know we have learned much from the struggles and challenges we have been through the past four years. I learned some rather upsetting news almost a week ago and while all appears to be working out - I still do not have a clear and resounding YES, all will fall into place and all will work out.

Therein lies my struggle with trust. God has NOT let me down yet. God will never let me down. Still - I have this fear in the pit of my stomach. Yet - what if the answer is no... Hugo and I will still live. Our children will still live. My husband and I will have to re-group and change our plans. What is so terrible about that, I wonder.

I am consumed with the what if instead of focussing on my duties, not just of the day, but of the MOMENT. I am living with my head in the future while my body tries to cope with the present, very unsuccessfully.

I have more thoughts on this swirling about, but I must lead the children in our daily Rosary and I am letting my wants get in the way of my duties.
Posted by mum2twelve at 7:45 AM

2 comments:

Dory said...

Let the Holy Spirit come and help you. Ask, "Confusion Spirit please help! with Hugo, with me, with our decesions in life"

6/28/2006 12:41 AM
Lorcan said...

Definitely not trying to make a Quaker of thee... BUT, a suggestion. During ecumenical talks with neighborhood churches, the year I was the Quaker representative to the committee which puts together a yearly get together for worship... I was reminded how important silence and waiting is in the Catholic tradition, and the value it has for me. Emptying thy mind to everything, and opening thy mind to God's still small voice within, has so many benefits. Sometimes that voice reminds thee of deep theological truths, sometimes that voice prods thee on thy shortcomings, and sometimes, good ideas about what to do in thy work life... in fact, I have been at a small meeting where that still small voice got a whole meeting laughing.

Now, I know, that having ten or eleven children at home, a little silent time is ... a challenge ( I am smiling at the lack of effective description in that word... :-) )? But, is it possible to get the older kids to take charge for some hour in the week, find thyself a place, away from everything, a quiet comfortable place to simply empty thy mind to the world and give God a moment to speak to thee? I think the reason God reminded us to take a day to rest, is to give God an chance to get our attention sometimes.

On the mundane level, studies show that this kind of waking rest does real good ... to take some time doing nothing, makes thee more efficient when doing something ( or in thy case a million things!)

Hold thee and thine in the light, with prayers that a way will open for thee and Hugo
(as my friends daughter in Ireland would say... when ever financial matters come up )
"Ca ching! Amen."

Thine in the light
lor

6/29/2006 8:37 AM

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