A time of need...

I won't bore you with the details, but I will tell you that there are days that I feel that I can not sustain life like this much longer. It is so incredibly difficult and I just want to cry out to the heavens and beg them to help us. I can't stand it at times. And this is one of thoes times. I feel much like a 3 year old in that I just want to throw myself down on the floor and kick my heels and scream at God to STOP and LISTEN to ME and FIX everything. NOW!

There comes a moment every once in a while when I feel as if I am in a trap with the walls closing in. I feel panicked and as if I can not stand it one more minute, nay, not even one more second. But what can I do? I can't just stop breathing. There is nothing to do, but keep plugging on. Hoping and begging that God will soon change things for us. Give us a job, give us a business loan. Just DO something to stop this miserable existence of barely being able to pay our bills, no dental or health care and on and on! The most difficult cross is the heavy burden of feeling that no matter what or how much I do – I feel as though I can never do enough. I know my poor husband is also carrying this same cross. And I never know when this sense of desperation will hit me like a bolt of lightening.

I feel stretched in so many directions as I wait patiently for the graces I need to cope. And while I wait, I make my bed, read to someone who needs my time, make sandwiches for lunch, solve a fraction problem with someone who has forgotten how, sooth an irritated customer, act as referee repeatedly, call Pay Pal to complain about their lousy service, make another meal. And if I can find the mental strength and physical energy - bake a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies for a chocolate fix. Baring that - I search the cupboards for a lost Canadian Crispy Crunch and have it with a cup of tea and hope it is not late enough in the afternoon for the caffeine to cause Elsa trouble falling asleep at bedtime.

Ideally, I should take my favorite prayer, find a quiet spot somewhere in this noisy house and cry on God's shoulder. When this bolt of negative emotion bears down on me – I need Christ to lift me, and carry me until it passes. But sometimes I have not the strength, or even the will to do this. It is at those moments that I turn to my friends and beg their prayers. This is why the church is referred to as the body of Christ and why I turn to you today and ask for your healing prayers. It is amazing sometimes how uplifted one can feel and not know why, only to learn later someone was praying for you.